As a survey reveals 90 per cent of women consider their role within the family to be more CEO than housewife, Shona Sibary, 41, pens a letter to her employees (that’s husband Keith, 45, and children Flo, 14, Annie, 11, Monty, ten, and Dolly, three) from the somewhat chaotic Surrey HQ of her family 'company'.
Dear valued employees,
I write to you at a troubling time in our company’s 14th year of operation. As many of you will be aware (if you could drag yourselves away from the Xbox) we have had a difficult 12 months, which have seen us go for broke on borrowings and do little to improve our cash flow projection for the future. But, together, with some belt-tightening and improved productivity, I am sure we can emerge stronger than ever.
Team talk: Shona whips her staff (ie children) into shape as it's revealed more women view their role as CEO than housewife
2013 Budget Forecast
Times are tough. Very tough indeed. Last week, the Board of Directors (that’s me and Dad) made a unanimous decision that, from this moment forth, no further investment can be made in Waitrose or the new M&S food store that has just opened in the garage down the road.
Moving forward, all acquisitions must take place in Lidl or Aldi. This is a period of radical change and it therefore falls to me — as your CEO — to implore you to develop a taste for German sausage and obscure varieties of European cheese. This is the first of many strategies we will be implementing in a bid to navigate the stormy financial waters ahead.
Staffing levels
In recent years, our company has seen too much growth and far too little investment. (You can blame this on your father for getting me pregnant with baby number four when I’d thought we’d agreed to cap our headcount. Because of this unexpected expansion, our outgoings have escalated and, as your CEO, I have struggled to increase performance as much as I would have liked.
For this I apologise. I would offer to step down, but as far as I’m aware there is no willing successor to my role. But I cannot be expected to take full responsibility for our current mess.
Blame must also be shared by male management and junior members of staff who, despite daily memos, fail to grasp that when something is put at the bottom of the stairs it’s because it needs to be taken upstairs.
Driving their success: Shona wants her children to keep up their music practice
Productivity
There are many ways we can improve productivity. In a recent ‘blue-sky thinking’ meeting (that’s an argument with Dad over who does what) I reached the conclusion that the Facilities Management department needs a kick up the backside.
Why, I ask, does the cistern in the bathroom continue to drip? Why, despite numerous requests, is there still no working light bulb in the hall? These are just a few examples of corporate compliance where we continue to grossly under-achieve.
I have it on record that Sarah’s husband, next door, spends Sunday mornings doing household chores. We must strive for similar levels of commitment if we are to achieve the excellence I know we, as a family, to be capable of.
Performance
Which brings me neatly onto performance management. Here I am specifically addressing our three longer-serving junior employees (that’s you, Flo, Annie and Monty!). Goals are not being met in a consistently effective and efficient manner. Some nights homework gets completed and other nights it doesn’t.
The same goes for piano and saxophone practice. I’m sure none of you will question my passion and commitment in driving your success, but you have to adopt the work ethic required to reach greatness. We need an urgent shake-up if we are to improve our competitive positioning within the market and not be put to shame by snotty friends’ supposedly perfect children.
Pulling their weight: All of Shona's children have to help if the household is to run smoothly
Bonuses
Tough times demand tough measures, and those I propose may seem harsh. From now on there will be a freeze on all bonuses (pocket money) until I see real results. What I want is envy from helicopter mothers. I want to hear them utter the words: ‘Those Sibary children can’t be touched.’ And don’t even think about moaning in the staff room (aka the lounge), throwing strops or ‘giving me the evils’. As Bill Gates once famously said: ‘Life is not fair. Get used to it.’
Social responsibility
It’s not all doom and gloom. We have made some headway in our drive to becoming a greener organisation.
In an attempt to lead by example, I am no longer throwing empty wine bottles in the general household rubbish bin and I even, on occasion, wash out baked bean cans before placing them in the recycling bin.
I would, however, still like to see more members of staff turn off lights when they are not being used (Annie) and others spend less time wasting water (Monty). To clarify on this particular matter — 30 minutes in the shower is 25 minutes too long. You can’t possibly be that dirty.
Resources
As I have outlined in my quarterly nags, we are a long way from breaking even. But there are many ways we can cut back. I therefore propose that staff ‘share resources’ starting, today, with technology. From now on there will be just one TV in the house and this will be in the living room.
Our power bills should drop significantly, hopefully freeing up some of our budget for fun family bonding sessions. I’ll deal with the rows over the remote control at a later juncture.
Board of directors: Shona with her husband Keith
‘We’re in this together’
Some of you may be feeling instinctively opposed to change. But let me assure you that responsibility for success lies in all our hands. As Confucius once said: ‘To discover new oceans you must lose sight of the shore.’ (And, no, Annie — watching TV on your iPad in the bedroom is not ‘lateral thinking’. This will result in an immediate disciplinary hearing. Take this as a verbal warning.)
Outsourcing
As your CEO, I am the first to highlight my failures this year, including my attempts to outsource relationship management to truculent au pairs.
From now on, we will be outsourcing the following departments only: catering and cleaning (recruitment ads have been places in the newsagent’s window). Relationship management with all employees shall come back under my overall control, with daily support from senior male management. (Keith: This does not mean watching the rugby under guise of ‘babysitting’ while chucking Dolly an occasional biscuit from the sofa.)
Hostile Takeovers
Many of you will remember an attempted hostile takeover a few years back. The threat came from a babysitter I had brought on board in a talent acquisition drive (ie. she was available on New Year’s Eve) who made a failed bid to seduce Keith.
As your CEO, I will continue to fight for the survival of this company and discouraged the takeover by making our stock less attractive to the outsider. I left Keith’s smelly socks on the living room floor and confided in her about his bunions. That pretty much did the trick.
Conclusion
And so, valued employees, as 2012 draws to a close, I thank you for your continuing support. While we are, admittedly, more of an oven chip than a ‘blue’ chip organisation I am confident we can work together to out-perform the competition (the smug yummy mummies mentioned earlier). But first could someone, anyone, please empty the flipping dishwasher.
